Last semester when I would stress myself out about school (as is my custom), I would think about the wonderful time when I graduate and we can have another baby. Now that Simon is growing up and is less containable and more opinionated and especially clingy, I fantasize about that wonderful time when I graduate and we have the time and means to leave him with a sitter while we go out on a date.
Actually, I think more about moving out of this apartment. I think about taking Simon to the park and swinging him in the swings for the first time. I think about having the time to bake a cake or try a new recipe without feeling like I should be doing something else. I think about anything to keep me looking ahead and not worrying about story ideas or reporting or what is due tomorrow.
I thought about how wonderful life will be when I finish with school all day yesterday, and then I thought that maybe it was a bad thing for me to always be itching for the next thing, to not be satisfied with where I am right now. Shouldn’t I be enjoying the moment here? Shouldn’t I be loving this time when Simon loves me so much he cries whenever I leave the room? Shouldn’t it just tickle me pink that Simon is so interested in everything little thing I am doing to the point where he almost prevents me from doing it?
And then I had one of those moments. Those “tender mercies” or whatever you call them. I caught a glimpse of the future. Just a glimpse. And I saw Micah and Simon and me sitting around the kitchen table. Maybe we were eating cookies or playing a game. We were reminiscing about the good old days when I was in school and Micah was freelancing and Simon was learning so many things all at once and all three of us were frazzled and tired and not exactly sure what we should be doing with ourselves. Simon was laughing that he used to get so upset when I would sit him on the floor for a second, or put him in the carrier, or keep him from pounding on the computer keyboard. And Micah and I were enjoying the fact that he had come so far and that we were better able to deal with the stresses of life because of that time.
There are always going to be challenges and things I’d like to change. I’m sure I’ll often wish that I could speed up time to get to the next part of life. But for now I’m going to just keep telling myself, “This won’t last forever.” I hope that will give me the perspective to both cherish the moment and look forward to the future.